Just fulfilling my aunt duties

I know I know, I'm biased, but she's pretty darn cute. 

...even when she's being sassy...

...even when she's sleeping...

...and especially when she's playing peek-a-boo!

Kids. They never trust stuff in books.

ME

Hey, kiddo, how are you feeling today?

PATIENT

I'm okay.

ME

How come you didn't eat any of your breakfast?

PATIENT

Because I was just in a car accident! And they had to staple my stomach back together, and if I eat, my belly will EXPLODE.

ME

It's not going to explode. I promise. Look how delicious this applesauce is! Yum!

PATIENT

How do you know?? You get into a car accident and get your stomach put back together and then you can tell me your stomach won't explode. But until then, I'm not eating. And that applesauce is gross. Blech.

Four years and I still have a lump in my throat

To this day, I regret not dancing with you that night.

I didn't know it would be my last chance.

Love you Grandpa, always and forever.

It's hard out there for a pimp

CO-INTERN

Let's eat out in the student quad.

ME

With all the med students?

CO-INTERN

There are other residents. And pharmacy people too.

ME

Fine.

CO-INTERN

[looking around]

Man, it must be hard being a girl resident.

ME

[essentially inhaling my burger because I am post call and starving]

What do you mean?

CO-INTERN

I mean, it's just hard to look good in scrubs compared to girls dressed in miniskirts and cute tops.

ME

[looking down at my dirty scrubs and then around the courtyard]

...

CO-INTERN

[eating his lunch obliviously]

...

ME

But I'm the only one in scrubs in this entire area...wait, what are you trying to say??

Don't ask me how I knew it was used

Why does this keep happening?

Yesterday night, I was the overnight intern on call. I finished up my admission at 2am, and then quickly ran over to the call room so that I could take a quick nap before my next admission hit the floor. My call room was like it always is. Simple sheet and a pillow. I stole some blankets from the unit, made my bed, took out my contacts, and pulled the sheet aside to jump in.

Except.

There was something on my bed.

Plastic. And circular-ish.

Now, my glasses are not at full strength, because I rarely wear them and can't afford new lenses. So I leaned closer to take a better look. And then I leaned even closer.

And that's when I realized there was a used condom on my call room bed.

It might have been the smell that tipped me off.

Or maybe it's because I touched it and it was a strange mixture of crusty and slimy.  Yeah.

--
To those readers wondering about my first sentence, yes, something similar has happened to me before.

Yes, I realize how ridiculous it sounds

"Security. How can I help you?"

"Hi, um, I need to report a missing purse."

"Uh, ma'am, have you checked with lost and found?"

"Yes, sir."

"Was it stolen?"

"No...not exactly."

"Well, where was the last place you saw it?"

"On the roof of my car."

"..."

Well, it was just one of those days. My pediatrics team had spent three hours rounding. Which sounds normal, until I tell you that we have zero patients. We had won the game! But my attending decided to punish us instead, because he decided we ought to do chart review to make sure we were compliant with all hospital regulations.

Two hours into this mind-numbingly boring exercise, my phone started to go crazy with emails. Turns out that when I opened gmail on the hospital computer, I had unwittingly downloaded a virus and sent it off to everyone I've ever emailed in my life.

Yes, that would include residency program directors and all my deans from medical school.

I spent the majority of the day fielding text messages from strangers and old friends, "Yes, it's been a long time since we've talked....no, ignore the email you got from me...it's a virus" and then making small talk and diagnosing constipation and offering treatment cures for chronic headaches, because I just felt so guilty that I had infected so many computers.

As I headed to my car, I got another text message, from my mother, no less. "You sent me a picture, but I can't see it! Should I download this program to open it?" I promptly freaked out, sending her a million texts to please STOP, do NOT open the program, and for her to please STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER. I put my purse down so that I could use both hands to emphatically text her, all while struggling to get out of white coat. Then I got into the car, as I continued to text my mom.

I peeled out of the parking lot, glad to finally be leaving all the stress of the day behind me, and hoping to get home as quickly as I could to my own non-infected computer where I could change my email password and set all of my many anti-virus programs on quarantine.

It wasn't until this morning that I realized where I had left my purse. 

Yup. On the roof of my car.

Clearly, it wasn't there any more. 

Upside...at least it wasn't a baby?

Not really presyncope after all

He looked at us wide-eyed with horror. "I thought I was going to die!!"

He's nine. And he had almost passed out in the shower. And dripping wet, with the water still running at full blast, he ran to tell his parents that he had almost died. His parents appropriately freaked out and drove him straight to the emergency room.

We were worried about presyncope. Maybe an arrhythmia. Maybe his electrolytes were off. Because fainting? In little kids? That's worrisome.

And then we heard his story. He had a normal day of playing outside with his friends, playing basketball and riding bicycles. He came home stinking of little boy body odor, so his mom had ordered him straight to the showers. Everything was like it's always been, except - and these are his words - "my little bird started to fly!!"

Then, he said, "And everything started to spin around, and I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore! My heart started feeling like it was going to jump out of my chest! And everything got really blurry, and I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE!!"

My senior resident and I looked at each other and tried to suppress our laughter. My senior resident smiled at our patient and told him that everything was fine. And that when he was older, he would like those feelings. He looked at us in disbelief, "I'm going to like dying??? NO THANK YOU. I don't even drink SODA cause it makes my stomach feel funny!"

We didn't know how to tell him, nor did we know what to tell the parents, but we're pretty sure our patient just had his first erection.

But just in case, we gave him a bolus of IV fluids.