PATIENT
OH MY GOD! WHAT DID YOU DO? WHY WHY WHY!!! WHAT HAPPENED!??
SENIOR RESIDENT
Ma'am, please stop yelling. What are you upset about?
PATIENT
YOU STOLE MY BABY!
She's convinced that during her seizure, we cut her open, took out her baby, and stitched her back so magically that she has no post-operative scarring or bruising. She's adamant that she was eight months pregnant before she came to the hospital, but now she's got a flatter abdomen than mine, and if you must know, she's extremely stressed out because everyone at this hospital is conspiring against her and for the love of god, someone just give her back her baby!
True story: on the to-do list for that patient's signout, my co-intern wrote, "please find baby and bring back to patient."
We had eighteen hours of her histrionics before we finally code green'd her, gave her a psych IM cocktail, and had her sleep. But today, today we uncovered even more amazing things. Her boyfriend brought pictures of our patient as a pregnant lady. Proof, of course, that we are working with the CIA to keep their baby from them.
Except, it looks like they don't have any round pillows at home, because her pregnant belly was definitely square-shaped.
