Jet Blue and I are in an abusive relationship.
I never seem to catch my flight and
the employees are terrible, yet I keep going back. Damn those low fares and on-flight TV! Granted it's been like 2 years since I've traveled their not-so-friendly skies, so when Jet Blue turned out to be the only airline offering flights to California for less than $400 during the holiday season, I took it.
My flight was scheduled to leave at 10:50am. Martin came over to go with me and my parents to see me off. Martin, famously always two-hours-early-for-everything, made sure to get me and my parents into the car by 9am to make the hour-long drive to Long Beach. And we got there at 9:25am with more than an hour to spare. Checking the security line, my dad decided that it was much too early for me to leave, and suggested that we wait together at the airport coffee shop. We were all game, so we sat down and drank coffee, playing with our new phones and taking pictures to pass the time.
At 10:10am, I decided I probably should get going, so hugging them all goodbye, I set off for the security line - which was now out the door and around the block. As I am wont to do, I started to freak out, but a TSA officer told me to calm down since the line usually goes pretty quickly. But then it hit 10:25am and my flight started to board, as the overhead voice told me.
Luckily, by then I was at the xray machines, and I dutifully took out my 3oz bottles of fluid and my laptop, and was sending everything through, when someone called out "bag check!" on my red carry-on. Turns out that the Asian cooking powders, that my mom had packaged away in little ziplock bags for me, looked more than a little suspicious.
A TSA officer sauntered over. Slowly.
I could hear the overhead voice announcing the different rows that could board for my flight.
Families with children under 5. Rows 1-5. Rows 1-18. All other rows. I was freaking out.
TSA officer
I'm going to have to open your bag ma'am. You'll have to watch, but please don't touch anything.
ME
That's fine, sir. I'm warning you though, everything's packed really tightly. So it might explode when you open it.
TSA officer
[cocking an eyebrow at me]
Excuse me?
ME
Oh crap. I didn't mean explode like BOMB explode. I mean like clothes everywhere. Sorry sir, I'm not a threat, I promise.
He looked at me suspiciously. And I realize I should have just stopped talking. But you know me...I word vomit during times of stress.
TSA officerWhat is this?
MEUh. They're Asian cooking spices. I don't really know how to describe them...it's kinda like MSG?
TSA officerOh...and this?
MEUm. Those are Godiva chocolates? It says so right on the box.
TSA officerMmm, truffles. I might need to keep these.
ME Whatever you want sir, I just need to make my flight.
At that moment, they started calling my name overhead, telling me to make my way to the gate so that our flight could have an on-time departure. I was squirming, watching the TSA officer slowly shift things around in my bag.
ME
Sir, they're calling my name to catch my flight. Do you know how much longer this will take? Or is there any way someone could go let them know that I'm here?
TSA officer
You need to stay with your bag.
ME
Yes, sir. I intend to. But could you call the gate to let them know that I'm here?
The TSA officer sighed. I was being a difficult passenger, apparently. But he called over his supervisor, who took my boarding pass, and went to the gate, presumably to tell them that I was here. Meanwhile, my TSA officer had finally decided what he was going to test. Only problem was, they were out of those swabby things they use. So we waited what seemed like an eternity (but really only ended up being 3 minutes) for his buddy to run down to the storage closet in the next terminal to bring back some testing swabs.
10:47am. He was finally done. "Here you go, ma'am," he said to me, while handing over my luggage and armfuls of clothes that wouldn't fit into my carry-on any more.
I took it and ran.
10:48am. I was at the gate.
ME
I'm here! I'm here!
JET BLUE EMPLOYEE
Oh, I'm sorry. We just closed the gate.
ME
OMG. Are you kidding me?! I got held up at security!! Didn't someone come tell you?
JET BLUE EMPLOYEE
You think we're going to hold up the flight for you just because someone told us you were here?
ME
Is there any way for me to get on this flight still?
JET BLUE EMPLOYEE
Haha no. Once the gate is closed, the gate is closed.
ME
(internally)
AHHHHHHHH!!! *$*#&%#&!!!! =$@!$%#!!! &$*#$@@)$!!!!
ME
(externally)
Ah. Well then, when is the next flight that I can get on?
JET BLUE EMPLOYEE
Saturday's flight is completely full, but I can put you on standby if you want.
ME
How likely is it that I would get on that flight?
JET BLUE EMPLOYEE
Well, I don't know. Today's flight was completely full as well, and only one person missed it. [brief pause] Oh, that would be you, now wouldn't it?
Thankfully another person came up to the kiosk at that point, because I had just about had it with her. Long story short, I ended up having to pay only $120 of the $760 they wanted me to pay in fees to get on the Sunday flight.
But the absolute kicker? On my flight on Sunday, my TV didn't work and my seat wouldn't recline. And we were delayed for 3 hours on the tarmac.
#$@%@!!!!!!
Damn you Jet Blue. Thanks for not understanding and thanks for closing the gate early yet again! Even when you knew I was just seconds away from getting there! We are finished! I'm going Southwest all the way now.
You didn't know a good thing when you had it.
