God only knows

To whomever is hexing my life, please stop.

It's been really hard to breathe the past couple of days. There's always something to do, something to read, something to fill out, something to study for.

I just can't seem to catch a break.

My heart rate is seemingly permanently elevated, I feel like I'm constantly gasping for air, and I've been subsisting on fruit and granola. Oh, and soda. Lots and lots of soda.

On Monday, I had a unit test. And that afternoon I had a board review lecture. Which I will have every day of the week until God knows when. After that I had to go into our fake medical student clinic to practice fake pelvic exams on plastic models, and listen to heart sounds and lungs. Wherein I realized that while I might know that an Austin Flint murmur is associated with aortic regurgitation, I actually have no idea what it's supposed to sound like. Similarly, I also have no clue what the difference is between a wheeze and a monotypic wheeze, except that the latter sounds quieter. But maybe that's just me. (I also might have actually memorized the name incorrectly, so don't yell at me if you have no idea what I'm talking about. Because clearly, I haven't got a clue either.)

Yes, I'm talking about all those physical exam skills I'm going to need in less than 3 months. It's kinda stressing me out.

And then today, after filling out all the paperwork necessary so that I can work at the lovely VA hospital next year (required, naturally), I hit the final save and submit button, and the government locks me out of the program, with a lovely error message saying that I don't have the proper credentials to log in. It waited for forty-five minutes to tell me I wasn't logged in properly?!

Seriously? Seriously??

So now I'm going to wait another thirty minutes, and then go back through the painstaking PAIN of filling in all the places that I've lived in, all the times I've been employed and unemployed, and looking up my birth certificate information all over again.

And today, on my way home from school, I got hit by a giant wall of water, not once, but TWICE. Seriously, if there's a giant puddle in the road, please don't go driving through it at 80mph, especially after you see the cab in front of you soak everyone on the sidewalk. Thanks, taxicab drivers of Chicago, I really wanted that dirty sewage water shower. I wanted it so much, I wanted a double dose of it.

Of course, throughout all of this stress - go find three hospital patients and do a write-up! turn in your paperwork! get your face fit for infectious disease masks! go check yourself for TB because this is what happens when you don't! prepare for board review! figure out the treatment for MLL! oh crap, it doesn't exist! - there's the dark cloud of boards looming overhead.

My brain is always on. My anxiety center is on overdrive and my body is constantly trying to decide between fight or flight. And honestly, a big part of me just wants to run away and hide.

So please. If you're hexing my life, just stop. I could really use a break from all the bad news bears.

Mona Lisa

Yesterday, my best friend of seven years turned twenty-five. And yesterday, the JLM trio reunited to celebrate.

There were delicious cupcakes......and steak and corn on the cob...

and penis-shaped chocolate-covered coconut macaroons as well.

I can't believe this might be one of the last birthdays that we'll all be able to celebrate together. I also can't believe that I had to use that as leverage to get the ever-mopey J to smile in pictures.

Happy birthday Lisa. You are the greatest friend I've ever known...here's to the past seven years, and many more in the making!

The bed that you made

So by now, I'm sure everyone's heard about the Miss USA California gay marriage controversy. And while I was (and still am) a stanch opponent of Prop 8, I believe that Ms. Prejean is entitled to her views. However, that said, she did NOT lose the crown because she stood up for her beliefs, as so many blogs and news outlets (see FOX) have been praising her for.

Let me quote her exact statement:

Well, I think it's great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land that you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And, you know what? In my country, and in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman.

Okay. Seriously. If she had stood up there and purely said that she didn't believe in gay marriage because she had been raised with conservative Christian values, and those religious values dictate that marriage exists only between a man and a woman and blah blah blah, then she might have had a shot at the crown. At that point, you could call her ouster a result of her views. Because that would have been standing up for her beliefs and being a strong and confident woman who does not back down in the face of adversity.

However, I firmly believe that she lost, and rightfully so, because she was completely inarticulate! Have I been reading a different answer? It rambles and doesn't make any factual sense in places. If people could "choose one or the other," would there even be a Prop 8 vote? Or this desperate fight for legalization of gay marriage sweeping across the States? Also, I totally did not know that heterosexual marriage was "opposite." Opposite to what exactly? Also, clearly, not everyone in her country believes that marriage should be between a man and a woman - because as Perez stated in his question, Vermont just became the FOURTH state to legalize it. Also, I'm so glad that you think that you believe it. If you think a little harder, maybe you won't?

Ugh. She lost because her answer didn't make any sense. And now I hate that she's going on talk shows saying that she lost because she stood up for her views. Why not be a gracious loser, and say that the best woman won? No, instead she says things like, "in my heart, I won" and "it may not have been politically correct, but it was biblically correct."

I kind of just want to punch her in the face.

Grace under fire. Isn't that the definition of a pageant queen? I'm sorry, but that answer was anything but graceful. And her behavior since then, has been anything but pretty.

I really hope the crowned Miss USA (Miss North Carolina) takes care of herself and stays out of trouble, because I would not want Miss California cashing in on her first-runner-up status.

Part of your world

UPDATE: the link has been fixed for the inflatable shower curtain. Also, the free Whole Foods bag coupon expires on the 26th, so get yours soon!
---

Happy B(earth)DAY! Say it out loud; it'll make more sense.

From recycling to unplugging your printer every now and then, there's so much one person can do to change the world. One person can bring about change.


One person can come up with the idea for a compostable chips bag.

One person can come up with a shower curtain that forces you to take quick showers. Or suffer a suffocating, soapy death.

One person can use a free Whole Foods reusable grocery bag, instead of asking for paper or plastic.

One person can make a difference. And that one person can be you.

Just dance

My dad just sent me this, and true to his word, it definitely did put a smile on my face.



It's like this one, but with The Sound of Music! It's awesome times a million.



Update: And here's a very recent one featuring 100 Single Ladies in London.



It doesn't seem as spontaneous as the other ones, but I gotta give them props for dropping trou and dancing in those leotards. In a very public location, to boot!

Hello, Dolly!

Well, here's some concrete proof that I can be a pediatrician.

I went to the bathroom just now in the women's hospital, and there was a mom trying to do her thing with her two little hooligans in the stall with her. I paid them no mind and went into my own stall to take care of business, and then --

Mom
Anita! You stay right here! Where are you going? Stay! No wait - come back - agh!

Anita
[cute toddler laughter]

Mom
It's not a game! Anita!

Just then, a little girl crawled under my stall divider and said 'hi!'

To my credit, I didn't scream or freak out or fall into the toilet bowl. No, instead I just looked down and smiled, "Why hello - I think your mom is looking for you!"

Feelin' blue

I have med student syndrome.

We started out the year with microbiology, and I was convinced I had a tapeworm. We moved on to hem/onc, and I was convinced I was anemic. During GI, I was positive that I had some early form of GERD. I diagnosed myself with heart murmurs and endometriosis. And during the neuro unit, I blamed my failing vision on multiple sclerosis.

We're now in our psychiatric unit. And I'm now convinced that I have atypical depression. I mean, seriously! From our notes, it's defined as having 2 or more of the following:
- significant weight gain or hyperphagia (usually carbohydrate craving)
- hypersomnia
- leaden paralysis
- rejection sensitivity

Given my propensity to snack heavily on all things from the bread family and my love of hour-long naps, I already fulfill the diagnosis! But lately, I've started to realize that my arms and legs feel a little heavy. And really, show me one person who doesn't get a little hurt or defensive when insulted, jokingly or otherwise. So there you go! I have ALL FOUR symptoms!

My one saving grace is that I'm convinced that every single med student has atypical depression. I mean honestly, who wouldn't? We're stressed, chronically sleep-deprived, jaded, forced to wear itchy uncomfortable clothes to the hospital, and the absolute bottom of the medical hierarchy where it's easy to get dumped on due to our lack of experience and knowledge.

As long as it's not just me.

Leaving town

Here's Lisa's 3x3. She gets pretty pictures of flowers for her name, whereas I get pictures of a pro golfer and a skull and bones tattoo. So I must say, I like hers more than mine! Even if the last picture is of a ravenous dog. I think.

And this is J's 3x3.

Yeah. I have no words.

However, J would like to state for the record that for the last picture, the word was "awesome" and not "crazy" as depicted. But I like to think that Flickr might know him better than he knows himself. (I mean, seriously - just look at that ax-wielding murderer in the left middle panel.)

3x3

--
Here are the "rules" to creating this, in case you wanted to know what the pictures were supposedly representing:
a) Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search (http://www.flickr.com/).
b) Using ONLY the first page, pick an image.
c) Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Mosaic Maker. Change rows to 3 and columns to 3 (http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php).
d) Save the image and post it!

The Questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What is your favorite color?
4. Favorite band?
5. Dream vacation?
6. Favorite hobby?
7. What you want to be when you grow up?
8. What do you love?
9. One word to describe you?

Note: although you might search for something, you very likely will end up with a Flickr page full of pictures showing you something completely different. For example, I typed in Lifehouse, and got daffodil fields, laundry, and snow-covered swings. (I went with swings because I thought that was the most "Hanging By A Moment"-esque.)

Pie in the sky

I apologize for all the food-related posts recently, but I wanted to pass this along. (It's probably because when I study, I turn into a veritable food monster. Everything I want to do, look at, or read about, is related to food. But that's another story, and many inches to my waistline.)

Anyways, LOOK! It's a pizza vending machine! You can choose what toppings you want, and then the vending machine MAKES everything to order, and you have pizza three minutes later! Cheap, fast, fresh, and supposedly delicious.



I love pizza and I'm drooling right now, just thinking of it!

How sweet it is (part 2)

What: Iron Chef Streeterville
Where: Rachel's Kitchen Stadium

For appetizer, it was chocolate vs. coconut

Toast with chocolate and fleur de sel &
Tapa chorizo con chocolate
[Chef Martin]

Coconut a la shrimp with a hint of lemon
[Chef Ryan]

---

For the main course, it was basil vs. cheese vs. mushroom

Basil, cheese, apple, and chicken pizza on whole wheat dough paired with a refreshing Caprese salad
[Chef Amy]

Turkey bacon wrapped chicken breasts stuffed with garlic and herb goat cheese
[Chef Neil]

Mama's Mushroom Madness
Comfort food inspired twice-baked casserole with chicken, mushroom, and deliciousness
[Chef Rachel]

---

For dessert, it was mango vs. carrot

Thai sweet sticky rice infused with coconut milk and topped with fresh mango (Khao Neeo Mamuang) & Mango Lassi
[Chef Michelle]

Sweet carrot buttermilk pie with carrots, carrots, and more carrots
[Chef Betty]

Split personality

On Friday, I took the NMBE 's comprehensive basic sciences exam. Our school pays for each of us to take it, and thankfully, it doesn't count for anything. It's a practice exam of sorts, to let us know where we are and what we need to focus on for boards studying (read: everything).

It doesn't count for anything. That's the key phrase. Yet, I had trouble sleeping on Thursday night, and was as stressed out about it as I would be for any of my other regular does-count-for-something tests. Why? Because this NBME exam was going to predict my possible range of Step 1 scores, based on the performance of previous years' classes.

Holy crap.

I did not want to be the one random outlier (on the negative end of things). My biggest fear was that I would open up that envelope, and next to "Predicted Score" I'd see a 150. Or something. I was just so afraid to see a score that wouldn't qualify as passing.

So I was in my seat, waiting for the exam to start and trying to make the palpitations and sweating stop. Just breathe, Michelle. Just breathe. And as I sat there with my head down, trying to calmly collect my thoughts, I saw them.

Split ends galore. Not one, not ten, but five hundred million. It's like every single hair on my head had freaked out the night before and split (and not in a yummy delicious banana-like way). And then, before I knew it, the test had started, but all I could focus on were my split ends. And how gross they were. And how I would give anything for a pair of scissors at that moment.

The test sucked. Majorly. I was blatently guessing on 90% of the questions, and for the 10% that I had a vague idea about, I didn't know the second part of the answer that they were looking for. For instance, let's say that they described the Hokey Pokey. As I'm reading the question, my self-confidence would rise - "Yes! I know what they're referring to!" But then I would read the actual question, which might be something like, "What is the first body part that is involved in this group dance?" Then, I'd be like, "Oh crap! I know it's the Hokey Pokey...but what comes first? The head? No the hand. Right hand? Left hand? Oh god. B or C? B or C? Oh man, it's probably D, I haven't had a D answer in seven questions! Circle D, Michelle! Just do it!"

Take all that self-doubt and confusion and multiply it by a million, and you'll come a little close to feeling as I did.

The test took four very long agonizing hours. But it was good to experience "battle conditions." Now I know that I can't sit for four hours straight. And that having a muffin and orange juice beforehand really does matter. And that I should probably tie my hair back in a ponytail so that I won't obsess over split ends every five questions. Because I did.

So the moment it was over, I high-tailed it to the local salon and told the woman there to chop it all off.

"But why?! You have beautiful hair!"
"Oh, thank you. I have split ends though."
"Oh yes, I see that. But it's okay. That's normal for Chicago weather. You can't really do anything for it."
"Oh. Well I just want a trim, but take off as much as you need to."
"I won't take off that much. Don't worry."
"Haha, you can chop off as much as you want. I promise I won't cry about it."

She then started cutting my hair, and I smiled, glad that at least this one obsessive compulsion would be cured quickly.

She was done 10 minutes later. "Really, you have such beautiful hair, I didn't want to take off too much. Young girls should have long hair. Long beautiful hair so that men will fall in love with you."

Then she handed me a mirror, and I looked. And then I looked again. Because minus the blow-out job, I looked the exact same.

Yes, she had trimmed my hair. But just barely. It was a 1cm trim. On my longest layers. The shorter ones on top hadn't even been touched.

I didn't even know what to do, except pay the outrageous $50 fee and go home. Where I proceeded to find another five million split ends and started cutting them each individually by hand. Two hundred down, just a bazillion more to go.

I have half a mind to just shave my head, so that I can focus on studying, instead of what this terrible Chicago weather has done to my hair.

And I apologize, because I have no idea how a story about the NBME exam turned into a story about my ridiculously expensive and useless haircut. And I know that in the grand scheme of things, having a couple split ends here and there won't matter as much as my boards score will. But I can't help but obsess over them. Because I can fix those now. Quickly. In the moment. Without having to study for the next two months. Because I'm an instant gratification kind of person, but with boards, there's no reward until you get that score. And that's a long ways off.

But this is what I gotta do. I gotta study. And obsess over drugs and side effects. And not my split ends splitting.

I really ought to just shave my head and be done with it.

How sweet it is

Today, I planned for my IRON CHEF CHALLENGE instead of doing my stats homework.

Yes, I looked up rules and regulations, researched iron chef parties (see here - apparently my friends and I are not the first to do such a thing), and then videotaped the Boy selecting names and secret ingredients out of a hat, so that when I sent everyone their secret ingredient assignment, they would know that there was no trickery or shadiness going on. It was all randomized, people; I don't play favorites. (Also, I would link to the video here, but I'm appalled by my messy armchair that is featured quite prominently in the background throughout, so I'm going to pass. You'll just have to imagine it. Or coerce one of the "Iron Chef contestants" to tell you the Youtube link.)

Anyways, now it's 10:30pm, and I'm staring at my homework, realizing that I'd much rather figure out the perfect mango dessert, than determine the efficacy rate of anticoagulation in treating pulmonary embolism.

I can't wait for Friday. And if you know of any delicious desserts that prominently feature mango, send them my way. Because when it comes to mango, I really don't know anything. I don't even know how to peel and dice them.