Today was hard to get through.
I woke up hoping everything would turn out to be just a bad dream.
It wasn't. And so...today was hard.
It was hard smiling at others and responding in the affirmative to casual how are you questions. It was hard going about my normal routine, realizing that it wasn't actually very normal. It was hard leaving class, and looking at my phone, and stopping myself before I did something I'd regret later.
And if I'm completely honest with you, I'd tell you that I haven't even ventured into my room yet cause I know there's just too much to handle in there. It would be just a little too hard.
Tim and I broke up last night.
That line took me ten minutes to type out. But there. I said it. It's officially real.
The room finally burned up.
I wanted this to be an angry post. Angry at the world. Angry at the situation. Angry at him. Angry at all men. It's my pity party, and hell, if you're gonna crash it, you're gonna listen to me rant.
But I can't. When all is said and done, even though I have a million questions, and I think we could have lasted for another year or so, he's right. Long distance is hard. Maybe we could have talked more. Maybe we could have arranged to see each other more often. Maybe if we had met two years earlier. Maybe if we had a stronger foundation to go on. Maybe if we hadn't started out long distance. But those are all maybe's, baby. No use dwelling on the what if's, the what might have been's.
Speaking of dwelling, or rather refusing to allow myself to do so, I finally officially de-relationshipped myself from facebook, and untagged all of our couple-y pictures. I wanted him to do it. Part of me, pathetic as it might sound, hoped that he'd do it and realize what a huge mistake he had made. But I did it. Threw away the roses he sent me for my birthday. Got rid of the screensavers. Locked away the postcards and the little trinkets from his trips around the nation. Took control. Took charge.
That doesn't mean it was easy. Not in the least. Pushing that "cancel relationship" button, throwing away those gorgeous pink flowers...made it all so very real.
One of the big reasons why it's so hard to face the reality of it all, is because it was so unexpected. I think it's safe to say that I was completely blindsided, and am still reeling a little bit. Shell-shocked. A week ago, he bought me a ticket to Kansas City. Four days ago, I told my parents about him. He had his crazy I-don't-know-what-I-want-to-do-with-my-life quarter-life crisis two days ago, and yesterday afternoon I found something that would fit his wants and needs perfectly, and set up the necessary connections. I thought we worked. That we were a good fit for each other.
While he was busy detaching, I was trying to keep us together.
It seems so silly that I would be so wrapped up in a three-month relationship. But I fell. I fell hard. How did so much change in him in just one week?
I went to the dentist today. And it felt so strange not talking to him on my way there, knowing that he would have assuaged all of my fears of dental drills. I walked home from clinic, not knowing who to call about my apprehension over the new unit. He thinks he was a bad boyfriend because he never really had time for me. I mean, can you really sustain a relationship on brief five-minute snatches of conversations? Regardless of what he thinks he was or wasn't, he was someone that I depended on. And all of our little interactions added up to a whole heck of a lot that I really missed today.
I wish I knew what he was thinking. What he is thinking. What he's feeling.
But I know the only way I'm going to get out of this only half-burned, is to be strong, and move forward.
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And you ask me what I want this year, and I try to make this kind and clear - just a chance that maybe we'll find better days. 'Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings, and desire and love and empty things - just a chance that maybe we'll find better days. So take these words and sing out loud 'cause everyone is forgiven now - cause tonight's the night the world begins again. - Better Days, Goo Goo Dolls
3 years ago
