I pity the fools who date me. I come with so much relationship baggage. My parents won't approve of my boyfriends. I have a height complex. I'm non-committal. I have a List. And I tend to be distant.
But this time around, something was different. I was open. I actually told the guy that I - gasp! - liked him. That I missed him. That I needed him. I didn't think I was setting myself up for heartbreak (as cliched as that is), especially since he said all the same things.
I should have known better.
And I have known better in the past. I knew not to make myself too vulnerable. Knew to maintain distance, stay detached. I knew how not to get hurt.
No worries. Tim and I are still dating.
But last night, just as I was about to drift off to sleep, he mentioned off-hand that he was sorry for being in a weird mood.
"You weren't in a weird mood, were you?" I mumbled, hoping to appease him so we could both get in more than 3 hours of sleep.
"Yeah. I was."
"Why?"
"Because I've realized that tonight is our last night together for a long time and I'm afraid our relationship won't last."
My eyes shot open.
We were having that conversation. Now. At 2:30 AM. After two months of dating.
See, the problem is this. My parents will never let me marry a white boy. So, I can't let them know I'm dating him. Our relationship will always be long-distance for I will be in Chicago for the next four years of my life, and he's going to be in St. Louis. Let's admit it. That's hard on all parties involved. Me. Him. My roommate who has to hear me complain about the long-distance-ship of it all.
Parental approval and distance. Those are some pretty big obstacles for any relationship to scale.
I wish none of it mattered. And I live in this dreamworld where none of it does. So much of me wants to believe that as long as he loves me and I love him, none of it matters. All you need is love, right? The Beatles are never wrong.
I haven't really thought about how there's no light at the end of this tunnel. That I have no clue where I'm going with this. How there's no way I'll be able to marry him. After all, it's only been two months.
But apparently, that's been weighing on his mind. We fit together so well. We don't fight. He treats me right. I don't bug the living daylights out of him, which is a little surprising, what with the constant (window) shopping on Michigan Avenue. And with the exception of which version of The Office is better (I love Jim and Pam, while he prefers Donna and Tim), we agree on basically everything. So if we break up, it's gonna be because of the distance or the parents thing. And since that's inevitably going to force us apart, what's the point?
What's the point? The point is that we have the time of our lives right now. We make each other happy for the time being, so why do we need complicate our lives with fears of what might happen in three months? Two years? I'm still at that age where dating just for the sake of dating is okay. Acceptable. Why isn't he at that stage too?
I don't know what to do or say to make him understand that. That he makes me happy. And that while sure, we might not end up together til our dying days, I still love our time together. Maybe we're at different points in our lives. Maybe he just doesn't want to prolong the inevitable. But it might not be inevitable. We don't know what's going to happen. I just can't stand that he wants to start "detaching" himself from the relationship. Honestly, what does that even mean?
I hate not having the upper hand. For the first time in my life, I've really fallen for something. For someone. I've realized that I'm not this jaded, cynical, horrible girlfriend of a person. I could be good for someone. I could be good for him.
I don't know what to do. I know I should start distancing myself. Start detaching. But I can't. I went all in a month ago, and now I'm just hoping that my hand is enough to win the pot.
3 years ago
