My stupid mouth

I need to learn to keep my big mouth shut.

A week ago, I applied for a position in an organization I was part of. They were looking for two show directors and a webmaster. I applied to be one of the chairs. I had a friend on the exec board, and I figured this would be a good social outlet. And besides, if there's one thing I know how to do, it's put on one heck of a show.

It doesn't hurt that I have connections. Meaning, I have a friend who's on the club's exec board. So, after the board made their decision, he informed me (off-the-record of course) that I would indeed be one of the chairpersons.

Now, I know my limits. I am no good with powerpoint presentations or anything dealing with computers. So, knowing that I am probably the least tech-savvy person out there, I jokingly asked if my partner was competent.

"Eh."

That's the response I got.

"Eh."

Turns out that for the two positions offered, they had received a whopping TWO applications. So while I attached a resume and essays that would make my college writing mentor proud, my now co-chair wrote two-sentence answers. Talk about effort.

Naturally, I freaked.

My friend then told me that they weren't going to announce the positions yet, so that if I could get a few more people to apply, they would extend the deadline and reconsider the position. I, of course, started begging and beseeching friends to think about it, bribing them with brownies and promises of fun.

Yesterday, it kind of blew up in my face.

I went to the library to study with my friend, and I mentioned aloud that I had found a couple of people who had expressed a slight interest in applying. I didn't mention how I had held them at gunpoint, and annoyed them to no end until they finally agreed that they would "think about it."
I had forgotten that sitting at the table with my friend and me was another girl who was part of the executive board. And when she heard the conversation, she looked up sharply.

"Why? What's wrong with the current girl?"

Realizing that I was treading dangerous water, I started to hem and haw, while I tried to backpedal as quickly as possible.

"I mean, do you even know her?"

"Uh....no, not really."

"Then why don't you want to work with her?"

It's a little impossible to describe to someone you don't really know how you don't want to work with someone who doesn't put in as much effort as you do. Especially when you're worried that you're going to be carrying the entire workload. True, I had never heard anything spectacularly bad about the girl, but I had never heard anything spectacularly good either. And to be perfectly honest, I was more than a little afraid that I was going to be the one who got screwed over in the end.

So as I hedged and said that I didn't actually know her, and I was sure that the board would make the right decision in the end.

That's when my friend decided to butt in. "Oh come on! Two days ago you totally didn't want to work with her, and you had all these complaints about her."

Two days ago, I thought my concerns and - all right, I'll admit it - uncharitable remarks would remain between just us. I was fuming. Absolutely livid that my friend had just betrayed my trust like that. I glanced over at my friend and gave him the Look.

"What? We're all friends here. We can be open and honest about our feelings."

I wanted to melt into my seat right then and there. The truth is, I had known the other girl at the table for a long time. That girl never says a mean thing about anyone. That girl has always been extremely nice to me. We were friendly, sure, but I wouldn't say that we were close, exactly. And in that moment, I felt like my relationship with that girl changed.

I was no longer the nice person. And she was miffed by my comments, I could tell.

She left about ten minutes later. And this whole ordeal was still weighing on my mind.

So I wrote her an apology note. I didn't even try to explain my position. I merely told her that I knew I was in the wrong for making such a snap judgment, and that I was only thinking about what would be best for the organization, but that I understood that it wasn't for me to decide. I accepted the wrongness of my position contritely and asked that we chalk it up to my having a bad day.

Today I received a response. And instead of just acknowledging that she had received my email, she went into detail about her problems with my comments - even though I had already admitted that I had been in the wrong. After reading it, I felt very lectured. Chastised. As though I had just been sent to my room without dinner.

I felt shamed. And I don't know if that was an appropriate thing for her to do. I don't know if I was more disappointed because she had found out who I truly was (in other words, not the nicest person), or because she had found out, and had such issues with it.

I need to learn how to keep my big mouth shut. It always gets me into trouble.