Out of breath

So I had a doctor's appointment to check up on that whole fainting spell thing.

It is so weird being the patient. It is not comfortable. Those one-size-fits-all gowns (with ties open in the back) are tent-like! The standardized questions (Do you smoke? Do you drink alcohol? More than a twelve-pack a day? Do you have working smoke detectors? Do you wear a seatbelt? A bike helmet?) are silly even to me - and I know it's just procedure. It's strange when the doctor leaves you in this tiny room for you to change, and you end up sitting on the exam table, anxiously looking around and wondering when the doctor is going to come back, as what feels like eons of time tick by.

Remember, you're just sitting there. In a giant poncho. Naked.

Anyways, I digress.

She was going through all the right motions. Listening to my lungs, palpating my abdomen, checking my heart - and then...

Doctor: Oh, wow! Did you know you have a pretty significant murmur?
Me: Uh. Really?

Remember, I'm still sitting there on the exam table, with the worst exam gown in the world - my back and butt exposed to the world. Talk about patient insecurities and bad design!

Doctor: Yeah, no one's ever mentioned it to you before?
Me: Nope.
Doctor: Here...listen!
Me: Oh.
Doctor: Do you hear that really large whoooooshing sound?
Me: Oh. Umm...oh yeah!

I lied.

Really, all I could hear was my heart going tachycardic on me. I mean, she was all smiley and excited about this murmur finding, what with the exuberant hand motions she made every time she heard "that really large whooooooooshing sound" but I just wanted to be told that it was nothing serious. That I wasn't dying of congestive heart failure. That I didn't have endocarditis. That no, it was not aortic regurgitation. I'm a med student! Med student syndrome is inherent in all of us!

Me: So, what exactly does that mean?
Doctor: Well, I'm not sure. I'm going to have you go get an echo.
Me: Oh, okay.
Doctor: What kind of insurance do you have?
Me: Student insurance?
Doctor: Oh no. It's not going to be covered.
Me: [joking] It's okay. What's peace of mind worth? $100? $300?
Doctor: Haha - yeah, except it's more along the lines of $1500.
Me: ...
Doctor: Yeah.
Me: Holy crap.

So after a little bit more discussion about how my health care in California has been, well, sub-par, we decided that it was probably a benign congenital murmur that has just never been diagnosed until now. Never mind that in PEX, we listen to each others' hearts all the time, and even my most studious classmates have never picked up any kind of whooshing emanating from my heart.

So I picked up my stuff, shook her hand, and headed on my merry way. After all, ignorance is bliss. And curiosity killed the cat.

Fast-forward two weeks to our Physical Diagnosis class on Heart Sounds and Murmurs. Taught by a self-proclaimed world-renown physician, I figured that it couldn't hurt to have him listen to my heart. Especially since it'd be free!

He listened for five seconds. Paused, looked at me, and then listened some more.

Then he stood back up, looked at me triumphantly, and smiled.

Oh thank god, I thought to myself. It must be benign!

"MITRAL VALVE PROLAPSE!" he proclaimed instead. Loud enough that if people were standing outside the door, I'm sure they would now also know my diagnosis.

Go get an echo, he commanded me.

Yes, yes sir. Except... And then I told him all about my health insurance woes.

Oh, that is a problem indeed. He stood there for another twenty seconds, stroking his beard. No joke.

And then he looked up, smiled triumphantly, and proclaimed:

"All right! You do this! Get pen and paper! Write this down! Go to [purposely omitted] Directory and look up the cardiology branch. You call! And someone named Wanda will answer. You tell her - this is important! - you tell her that you MUST talk to Janet personally. She will connect you. Then when Janet answers, tell her you need to speak to Dr. Tanner. She will give you a lot of hogwash about Dr. Tanner being too busy - but you tell her it's VERY important. Tell her you will wait, or if she could kindly patch you through to Dr. Tanner's personal voicemail... And she will connect you! And then you tell Dr. Tanner the situation and that I want her to give you a "discounted" echo. And if she refuses, remind her I know about that incident in September!!!"

I really hope my murmur is just misdiagnosed, and it's something benign. But just in case it isn't, I guess I'll be blackmailing a cardiologist later this afternoon. Cross your fingers and wish me luck.