1. I will know everything there is possibly to know about thyroids and parathyroids and neck anatomy.
2. I will be as tough as nails. Sticks and stones might break my bones, but words truly will never ever hurt me again.
Sometimes I think it is my attending's goal in life to make me cry at least once a day. My new goal in life -- not to give in to the tears.
Sometimes her razor-sharp insults are deserved. I don't know the answer to her pimp question? Then yeah, sure. Go ahead and let your scorn rain down on me. I am the stupidest student in the whole wide world. I should have studied more. But guess what lady - I really don't care any more.
Sometimes, I feel like she's picking on me just for the purpose of having something - nay, someone - to criticize. Yesterday, I was in clinic with her, and she decided that she wanted me to interview every patient first. While she watched me.
It was nerve-wracking to say the least. Especially since she made a point to criticize something after every patient. At first, they were good constructive criticism about things I could improve on. Concrete things.
Patient #1: "You need to push harder when you palpate the thyroid. Don't be a weak little girl - you need to REALLY push. You're not going to hurt the patient okay?"
Patient #5: "You didn't elicit a very good history just now, did you? Really, you don't speak a word of Spanish?"
Patient #13: "Michelle, it's really disrespectful to the patient when you open the conversation with 'What brings you in today?' - It makes the patient think that you don't care enough about their problems to look at their chart beforehand."
Yes, I was criticized for not speaking Spanish, and for introducing myself the way I have for the past 3 years.
Whatever - I just let it roll off my back now.
But let's be honest, I'm not completely unfazed.
Today, in the OR, she asked me about more anatomy.
DR. MEANIE BIKINI
Michelle - what is this?
ME
Oh, I believe that is the ansa cervicalis!
DR. MEANIE BIKINI
When you look at structures, please don't block my light.
ME
I apologize, ma'am.
DR. MEANIE BIKINI
And what does it do?
ME
It innervates the neck muscles.
DR. MEANIE BIKINI
Scrub nurse! [true story, she doesn't refer to the assisting staff by name, but by their positions] Give Michelle a marking pen. Michelle - draw the ansa cervicalis and tell me what each specific branch innervates.
ME
I'm sorry, I'll have to get back to you on that.
DR. MEANIE BIKINI
Michelle, when I tell you that you need to know the operation, you need to know EVERY SINGLE THING that is in the neck, so you can answer these questions when we proceed with a different approach. What it does, where it comes from, where it goes. You've been with me for a week now. I told you yesterday that I want you to impress me in the coming weeks. [dramatic pause] Do you think you're impressing me?
ME
Oh, I believe that is the ansa cervicalis!
DR. MEANIE BIKINI
When you look at structures, please don't block my light.
ME
I apologize, ma'am.
DR. MEANIE BIKINI
And what does it do?
ME
It innervates the neck muscles.
DR. MEANIE BIKINI
Scrub nurse! [true story, she doesn't refer to the assisting staff by name, but by their positions] Give Michelle a marking pen. Michelle - draw the ansa cervicalis and tell me what each specific branch innervates.
ME
I'm sorry, I'll have to get back to you on that.
DR. MEANIE BIKINI
Michelle, when I tell you that you need to know the operation, you need to know EVERY SINGLE THING that is in the neck, so you can answer these questions when we proceed with a different approach. What it does, where it comes from, where it goes. You've been with me for a week now. I told you yesterday that I want you to impress me in the coming weeks. [dramatic pause] Do you think you're impressing me?
I guess I was just happy she didn't throw me out of the OR again. But I no longer care what she says to me. I already know I'm going to get an average to below-average evaluation from her. Because there is no impressing her. There is no living up to the expectations that she sets. It's not possible, and I recognize that, so I'm not even going to bother.
Seriously, what does it say about a person, when her personal assistant and nurse each pull me aside and tell me that she's mean to everyone - including them - and that no one can live up to her expectations? It says something that no resident wants to work with her. It says something that the clerkship hasn't given her a student all year, until now - because so many of the regular attendings are on vacation.
My senior resident today asked me how I was doing with her, and I lied and said I was doing great. To which he replied - "just remember this when things get rough, because unless she's changed dramatically - and I highly doubt she has - she thinks everyone is below her."
She's all about doling out the criticism. Maybe she should take a good hard look and dole some of it out for herself.
