What do you do when everything you've ever done has always gone well for you and you've had everything you ever wished for, and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you hit a brick wall and realize that you have nowhere left to go?
I just hit that brick wall.
I'm starting to worry that medicine might not be right for me. Or rather, that I might not be right for medicine. That while I may have the passion, I might not have the smarts. And while I was always convinced that as long as you really loved something, you could do it - I'm starting to realize that the smarts are a mandatory prerequisite. All the passion in the world isn't gonna help me.
So where do I go from there?
Everything I've ever done has been for this. My friends, my family, my hobbies, my life - my everything - revolves around medicine. And since everything up to today came to me so easily, pointed me in this direction, I don't quite know what to do.
My compass is broken.
I've having the "who am I?" crisis four years too late. I should have been discovering other things I'm good at while I was an undergrad. Heck, I was even an Undecided for a good two years. And all I found out was that I could never write a newspaper column and my stage fright got proportionately worse with audience size. There went journalism and music. But it didn't matter. Because I had medicine. In fact, I even pointed to those failures as clear signs that medicine was right for me. That they were necessary detours on my path to becoming a doctor.
And medicine seemed so obvious. I'm a good person. Despite what the jealous ex-girlfriends and backstabbing ex-best friends may think, I am a good person. And medicine to me, was the noblest profession one could have. It was something where you could actually make a difference in someone's life. Actually help someone else. And everything pointed me in this direction. I got a scholarship to a high school medical conference - and I loved it. I loved the fake PBLs, the site visits, the public health symposium. I was accepted as a high school student to do neuroscience research at the local university. I got into an honors program straight out of high school - which meant guaranteed admission to a top medical school in the nation, and no MCATs. My writing thesis was about terminal care - and it turned out to be the easiest twenty page paper I'd ever written. I joined Dance Marathon, and immediately fell in love with the autistic kids that we worked with. Every detour in my life has somehow led me back to medicine.
Now I'm left wondering, if medicine isn't for me, what is? The problem with being the girl with everything is that when everything revolves around one thing and that one thing is taken from you, you're suddenly a girl with absolutely nothing. No direction. Nothing to fall back on. Nowhere to go.
Remember that blog from a couple of posts ago? The one where I lamented about wanting a sign? Proof that yes, I am smart enough. Yes, I belong at Northwestern. Yes, I will be a competent doctor.
I didn't get the sign I so desperately wanted.
The sign I got said in big blaring letters: YOU DON'T BELONG HERE. BUT IF YOU WANT TO STAY, YOU BETTER DAMN WELL MAKE SURE YOU WANT TO BE HERE.
I want to be here so badly. Desperately. Terribly.
I do. I really really do.
Here's hoping that's enough to get me through. Because I don't know what else there is for me out there.
