Why Georgia

It's the last day of 2006 and I should be writing a best-of blog, but instead I'm just stuck here wondering. Wondering. Thinking. Pondering. It's strange how all the what if's can keep you up at night.

2006 was supposed to be amazing. And I won't lie. There were some fabulous moments. Sunrises and beach bonfires. First kisses. Parties to end all parties. Graduation. Summer loves and spring flings. Getting my white coat. New York. Spontaneous family dance parties.

But so much of 2006 had so many question marks as well. And now I'm sitting here, wondering. Wondering how a year so promising turned out to be one of my darkest to date.

I had a dream last night. I dreamt I was driving down this straight open road around sunset in a gorgeous red convertible going 85mph with the wind in my hair. It was actually very music video-esque. I didn't have a care in the world. No destination really. I was driving just for the hell of it and I was so happy.

Then, out of nowhere, it got pitch black, and I hit a huge truck - a huge cargo truck - in a head-on collision. And as everything proceeded in slow motion, as they will during car accidents, I hit another truck as I reeled and tried to gain control of my car. It flipped and turned, sirens and beeping alarms going off everywhere, and then I woke up. I woke up scared out of my mind how metaphorically-realistically my dream had just recreated my life.

It used to be that when things were bad, the only direction things could go was up.

Oh how wrong that turned out to be. Turns out they like to hit you while you're down. Hit you and beat you to a bloody pulp until you're nothing but a shell of a person wondering whether anything is worth the proverbial "it" to keep going.

My dad has cancer.



I can't sleep, but I don't even know how to write this post.

It's not fair. It's not fair for him. It's not fair for our family. Our family has enough heartbreak to last for the next five generations. We just can't seem to beat the odds. If it's not one thing, it's another. I don't know how my mother manages to keep us all together when we're bursting at the seams and falling to pieces. All at the same time.

I completely lost it when I found out. I still lose it from time to time, and I'm amazed I can keep up a good a facade as I do when I'm around friends. Like nothing's wrong, when actually, everthing is. I can be the most open person in the world - and I have the best friends in the world to open up to - but I don't during times like these. And I don't know why I suddenly just emotionally break down. Shut down. Especially since I feel so alone. But I feel so alone because I can't let anyone know how much it's eating me up inside. Because I've convinced myself that maybe, if I keep pretending everything is okay, and everyone believes me, maybe - just maybe - it will all be okay.

I'm sorry for ending 2006 on such a depressing note. But I wanted everything that's recently happened to be an ending, and not a beginning. Because while no one wants to end on a bad note, no one really wants to start on a bad one either.

Last year I started this blog, knowing that my wishing on satellites was childish and silly. This year, I don't care how childish it is. I'm crossing my fingers and toes, jumping over cracks (to save my mother's back), wishing on stars, satellites, planes, birthday cakes...I'll do whatever it takes. I just want my family to be okay.

Please.