Cooties

I got to school a little early today (and by that, I mean I forgot that class started at nine), so I decided to head to Starbucks to get a coffee and do a little bit of studying.

So I'm sitting there, minding my own business, when this middle-aged guy comes over and sits down across from me even though there are a million open chairs around us. I glance up and flash him a quick smile and a g'morning before turning back to my books, because that is the proper thing to do. Then it starts.

"Ko ni chi wa?"

"...what?" I reply. Partly because I'm not sure if he's just spouting word salad at me or if he really truly is trying to have a conversation with me in broken Japanese.

"Oh no. Not your language? Well then. Ni how mah. Onion? Where are you from?"

"California," I reply, a little taken aback.

"No, I mean your country of origin."

"Um, Taiwan."

He then spouts more Mandarin that is either too advanced or too accented for me to understand, and so I let him know that I don't speak the language.

"Oh, it means 'do you have a dollar?'" he says, "You know, that's all that matters over there. Money, money, money. They're always asking you for some. It's worse than the homeless bums on the corner. That's how I learned how to speak Mandarin. I just picked it up."

"Oh?" I say, not quite sure how else to respond. Because frankly, I'm appalled and indignant, and I so want to tell him that knowing how to say two phrases in Mandarin does not qualify as "learning how to speak Mandarin." (Side rant - why does this only happen to Asians? You don't hear about a Mediterranean guy being approached by people saying "Arrivederci! Opa! Mamma mia!" while flailing theirs arms and hands about. No, but people go up to an Asian person every so often, clasp their hands together and bow, and chirp in an annoyingly high voice, "KNEE HOW" or "SHAY SHAY KNEE." Frankly, I find it a little racist. End rant.)

"Yeah, I know how to speak Japanese and Korean too. Oh and Filipino."

I start ignoring him, so realizing that I'm not awed by the things coming out of his mouth, he walks away to go harass a nurse.

"Nurse, nurse! I have dog jaw!" he exclaims, seemingly in pain.

The nurse, or hospital staff in scrubs, is a compassionate person, and asks him what's wrong.

"Feel my jaw! It's dog jaw!!"

She moves to palpate his jawline, and just as she does, he barks and bites her hand.

"Hahahaha, get it? Dog jaw! Ha ha ha!!!!"

Um, psych? Did you lose a patient from your wards? Because he's in the coffee shop.

Seriously, what a strange morning!