Tell me more

My favorite patient right now is this 25 year old guy who looks just like a cartoon character. Seriously, he looks just like the anime character pictured. Minus the giant muscles. And plus a hospital gown that he insists on wearing like a cape. He's super animated and has these giant puppy eyes that make you want to believe everything he's saying to you. Except the things he says make no sense whatsoever. I can't quite figure him out. I can't figure out what he's trying to tell me. And I can't figure out how to fix him. So, I'll just keep on waiting until the antipsychotics reach max dosing and hopefully he clears up soon and can tell me something coherent so that I can help him with discharge planning. But for now, I'll just continue to have my nonsensical conversations with him, and keep on biting my cheek to prevent myself from laughing at some of his remarks. A T-rex! Seriously.

ME

Hey M--, how are you doing today?

PATIENT

Squeak, squeak.

ME

M--, I don't know what that means. Can you translate that into English for me?

PATIENT

They tell me I am a mouse. Squeak.

ME

Hm. Are you still hearing voices?

PATIENT

[nods] 

They tell me to eat pizza.

ME

Oh. And does anything happen if you don't eat pizza?

PATIENT

Me? They tell me tropical. Smokie in face.

ME

Hm, what do you mean?

PATIENT

Me? I was born a tadpole.

ME

Okay. And where were you born?

PATIENT

Outer space.

ME

Hm, okay, and how did you get here?

PATIENT

Me? I came here on a turtle.

ME

Hm. A turtle.

PATIENT

I was born for the special cartoon marathon.

ME

Oh?

PATIENT

Yeah. I'm scapularis. So's my mom.

[pauses for 2 seconds] 

I'm a T-REX!!

ME

I see. And M--, if you were to leave today, where would you go?

PATIENT

I would eat a cookie.

[nods solemnly]

ME

And where would you eat this cookie?

PATIENT

Desk.

ME
The desk?

PATIENT
Yeah. Inside drawer! Duh.
---

Man, I love my job. And the whole not-having-to-work-weekends bit isn't bad either.