Too early for Valentine's?

A bowtie might be worse than an ascot

My co-intern is an insufferable prat.

He's constantly on his iPhone, playing Words With Friends, and gives off this aloof air of "I'm too smart and awesome to be involved in this cerebral neuro crap." When we round on patients, he never goes into the room with the rest of the team, but rather stays at the nursing station, pretending to write orders, even on patients that aren't even his. He never comes to morning signout, and always arrives ten minutes late to rounds.

And he wears a bowtie.

Every day.

Every single freaking day.

Seriously.

But I can deal with all that.

Except today, I came by to find my senior resident because the radiology resident wouldn't approve one of the imaging tests that we wanted, and I wanted to give him an update.

My co-intern was playing Words With Friends next to him and overheard our conversation.

CO-INTERN

What do you mean he won't do it? Did you tell him the whole family history?

ME

Yes. And I told him about all the crazy symptoms that she's been having too.

CO-INTERN

You don't know how to talk to these people. You have to give them the facts and only the facts. 

ME

Um, I know. And I did.

CO-INTERN

[loud audible sigh] 

Let me show you how it's done.

ME

...

CO-INTERN

[on the phone]

Hi, this is Dr. [name redacted], my patient needs that test and she needs it yesterday. [pause] Yes, I know you spoke with my intern already, but she's psych so she doesn't really understand what's going on...

My jaw dropped.

I'm sorry. We're both interns. I belong to no one. And I am definitely not his intern. And secondly, sure, I'm psych, but I went to med school, and you know what? I actually pay attention in rounds. I probably know more about my patient than he think he does.

Ugh, hate.

I was so happy that the neurorads fellow wouldn't approve the exam for him, either. Sure, it wasn't great for our patient, but it made me feel so vindicated. I do know what I'm doing. And no one can bring me down.

Especially someone who wears a clip-on bowtie.

Beverly Hills cop

Maybe I've gotten a little too comfortable with driving. Because I'm starting to break the rules a little bit.

I was driving on the freeway, in the third lane over, cruising merrily at 75mph, singing along to Katy Perry, when I looked in my mirror and saw a motorcycle curiously close on my tail.

Before I even had time to react, the cyclist had swerved into the left lane, and pulled up alongside me.

It was a cop, complete with helmet, dark shades, handlebar mustache, and every other stereotypical cop-like accessory.

And as I turned my head to look at him, he pointed his index finger at me, and started yelling/mouthing:

SLOW.


DOWN.

I don't know if I slowed to a 55mph crawl because of his warning or because I was just so freaked out I took my foot off the gas.

I don't know why he decided not to turn on his siren and pull me over. Maybe it was my Northwestern Wildcats license plate and he had seen how terribly we lost our bowl game just a few days ago. Maybe it's because he saw my USC parking sticker. Maybe it's because he realized I would be that Asian girl who cries when she gets a ticket.

Whatever the reason, I'm super glad I'm not paying off a $250 fine and attending traffic school.

But friends, I was only going 75mph.

I'm pseudo-fluent in medical speak too

You know what scares me most about starting my non-psych months?

How absolutely miserable the interns seem on the other side.

Today, I got signout from the current intern on the neuro service, and not only did I not understand a single acronym coming out of her mouth, she didn't smile or reassure me once!

I suppose I should be glad I did a SICU rotation, and I can still hear Dr. Corbridge's crazy voice in my head when it comes to vent settings, but it did me no good today.

CURRENT INTERN

So yeah, this guy is a 45 year old DS patient with DM, HTN, EDS, HL, [more abbreviations], and is here for a [abbreviation]. He also needs an [abbreviation] and [acronym] and you should perform [mnemonic] daily. Tomorrow, be sure to check his [acronym]. Oh, and he's Spanish speaking and his family would like to be updated. You'll have to call them in Mexico City. Anyhow, we expect that by the weekend, he'll be ready to transfer to [abbreviation] unless his [abbreviation] comes back abnormal, in which case you should send him to [abbreviation]. Questions?

ME

Haha, of course not. That was such a clear signout.

CURRENT INTERN.

Yes. Do you want to know his vent settings?

ME

Should I know them?

CURRENT INTERN

Well. You are a doctor aren't you?

ME

Haha, I meant, doesn't the respiratory therapist decide weaning parameters?

CURRENT INTERN

Yes, but you're the one who approves it. You went to medical school. You do know vent settings right?

ME

Well, I'm a little rusty, but yeah, I'm sure it'll come back eventually. So lay it on me. Is the patient on SIMV or AC settings? Square shape? What's his PS? Peep? FiO2?

CURRENT INTERN

[blinks] 

He's on CRVC. 

ME

Oh that one!

I had no idea what she was talking about. I just started throwing out all the abbreviations I remembered from  my SICU days, just to pretend I could speak the medical language too.

Yet, for some odd reason, I think it backfired, because now I have a list of 22 critically ill patients, no idea how to manage any of them, and I'm the poor resident responsible for the entire unit (and then some!) starting at 7am tomorrow morning.

Help.

There's an elephant sitting on my chest

I feel like I'm in med school all over again. I'm having trouble breathing and I constantly feel like I want to vomit. I'm having so much anxiety about starting my neuro/medicine/pediatrics months, it's almost as though Dr. Meanie Bikini is standing over my shoulder barking pimp questions at me.

And I'm getting them all wrong.

Because for all my bravado and outward self-confidence, I'm freaking out. I don't remember anything non-psych. I'm been joking that I'm just going to give all my patients Haldol and that'll solve all their problems, but the truth is, I don't even remember how to order maintenance IV fluids.

ME

I should probably review some neuro, huh?

MARTIN

Sure, why not?

ME

I'm so not looking forward to five hour rounds and "let's play Localize The Stroke!!" Man, I hate that game.

MARTIN

I'm sure you'll be fine. You'll remember more than you think.

ME

Hm, how many cranial nerves are there again?

MARTIN

[stares in disbelief]

ME

No seriously, crap, what's the first one? It's the nose one. Occulonasal? Oronasal? Oh shoot, what's the name! I remember it, I do! It comes out the cribriform plate and is associated with Kallman's syndrome...but shoot! What's the name??

MARTIN

You're hurting me.

---
P.S. The answer's olfactory. And there are twelve cranial nerves. Bottom line: I'm going to die on my non-psych months. Seriously, I need some Xanax.

When I say I'm competitive, I mean it

ME

Sigh, I can't believe it. How did I gain SO much weight in just six months? It's disgusting.

CO-INTERN

I don't believe it. Did you really gain twenty pounds?

ME

Well, seventeen pounds to be exact. But still, that's disgusting.

CO-INTERN

Have you been working out? Eating salads?

ME

Yeah, but I'm just not motivated to actually go to the gym, you know?

CO-INTERN

Let's start up a Biggest Loser for our class.

ME

OH MY GOD, yes please! I love competition!!

CO-INTERN

Yeah, and we can have weekly weigh-ins during class on Tuesday.

ME

Yes! And we can have punishments for those people who have the fewest pounds lost! Like, no elevator privileges for one week! Or, no specialty coffee for one week! You can only have your coffee BLACK. Or, forced parking on the rooftop!

CO-INTERN

Whoa there. I was thinking of you know, rewarding the person who lost the most weight at the end with a nice dinner or something.

ME

Oh, what's the fun in that?

New year, new resolutions

I'm keeping it simple.

1. No soda.
2. No donuts. (Do not donut.)
3. No meat on MWF.  *Seafood not included.

Let's do this!

[Friends, please help keep me accountable. Thanks!]