Three weeks.
In three weeks, I'll be graduating from college.
Three weeks.
Graduating.
I've been waiting for this moment for so long. Studying for tests and writing endless papers were all punctuated by one desire. Must. Get. Out. I was restless, itching to escape. My friends felt it too. We took full advantage of free weekends (and trust me, there weren't many) to not only catch up on sleep, but go window shopping on Michigan Avenue, watch that highly-anticipated movie that was panned by the critics, take random road trips to neighboring states - anything that got us out of our college-town bubble. Merely a week into each quarter, along with the side-by-side weather report comparisons for Miami and Chicago, countdowns would commence.
30 more days of class 'til spring break!
4 more weeks of school 'til FREEDOM!
2 midterms down, 1 more to go!
All of these countdowns were accompanied by exuberant smiley faces as vacations and time away from the dreaded libraries approached.
This quarter started off like every other. People in denial that our spring breaks were now behind us. Incredulous that instead of April showers, we got snow. And the countdowns quickly made an appearance. These countdowns had plenty of exclamation marks, because now, it was merely 8 weeks between us and graduation. Four tests between us and endless vacation (well - until our parents kicked us out of the house and made us get real jobs). One paper between us and the rest of our lives.
We were excited. We could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
But now that there are only three weeks left - three weeks! - those smiley faces next to our numbers have slowly changed to uncertain ones.
We can finally see the endgame. But that endgame comes with so much uncertainty. At the end of the tunnel, where do our lives lead? Away from each other? Intertwined still? Regardless, it's something new - and the new is always a little frightening.
I'll admit it right now. I'm scared to death. Sure, I have a plan. I know what I should be doing for the next ten years. But I'm still scared. After all, plans do change. And up until now, I haven't really had to face reality. Being at Northwestern has been great. I have these amazing friends who've created this safe and comfortable haven for me. With them, I am completely myself. And now that graduation is upon us, I'm realizing that I'm going to be a fish out of water soon. Walking the tightrope without a net. No one to rely on. I'm not ready to let go of these people. Call me clingy. Call me needy. Whatever. These people are good people. To think in a few months I'm going to have to start all over again. It boggles my mind. How exactly, am I supposed to find new friends when I've gotten so close and so comfortable with these?
I'm not the person I was four years ago. Four years ago, I was so excited to leave home and start college. The newness of everything was exciting. Boyfriends. Dating. The Midwest. My first roommate. Cafeteria food.
Four years later, I should be feeling the same way. Med school. Fiances. Weddings. My first apartment. My first job. But, instead of feeling excited, I'm a little scared of the unknown. And more than a little nostalgic about everything I'm going to be leaving behind. Just yesterday, I was eating dinner with my suitemates and I realized - next year, it's going to be me and the TV. Instead of conversations going through individual daily highs and lows, it'll be the newest CW dramedy keeping me company.
I'm stuck in the middle. The middle of what, I'm not quite sure. I'm not ready to leave, but I know I don't really belong here anymore. I can't wait to graduate, and yet, I can't bring myself to say goodbye because I know I'm not ready for that.
I've outgrown something I never realized I would miss and want to hold on to so much.
3 years ago
