Love is a marathon

I'm a bad friend.

I try so hard to be a good friend. To be there when someone needs me. To be supportive. To be that somebody you turn to for anything - whether it's a partner in crime, a person to laugh at (and with), the superhero sidekick, a shoulder to cry on, the voice of reason, the friend who helps you out when you're in between a rock and a hard place, whatever. I try.

But I so often fail. I'm realizing that I'm just a superficial friend. I'm great for the laughs, the girl talk, the silly psychoanalyzing of guy speak. Heck, I'm even pretty good at the comfort thing. I'm an amazing fair-weathered friend. I can even be a good friend when the weather is gloomy. It's when there's a torrential downpour that I can't be the good friend.

How am I a bad friend? Let me count the ways.

I have a friend who's made some poor decisions recently. I didn't say anything while she was making these choices, because I wanted to avoid the confrontation and I hoped that she would learn from the experience instead. Which is, in my opinion, the right thing to do. You don't want to be overly opinionated about other people's lives. But what do you do when they tell you that they regret those decisions, but continue making them over and over? Do you have the hard conversation that they don't want to hear and probably won't appreciate? You're supposed to step in and stage an intervention, but I can't.

I have another friend who had her heart broken recently. I was there when it happened and she needed the security of a support group. But that was months ago and she's still overly melodramatic and I can no longer deal with her "mourning period" as she calls it. I want to shake her and have her realize that the guy didn't like her and she needs to get over it. She needs to stop moping around, looking for people to sympathize with her. She's throwing her own little pity party, but no one wants to attend. Does my saying that make me a bad friend or just one who's reached the end of her patience rope? And if I'm really a good friend, shouldn't that rope be neverending? It's gotten to the point where I avoid talking to her, because I no longer know what to say.

Similarly (or conversely, depending on how you look at it), one of my other friends doesn't necessarily seek out my friendship, but I can't help but feel as though I'm his only connection to the outside world. And so I feel obligated to make sure he's doing okay. That he isn't immersing himself in a virtual world that acts as a safety net and allows him to hide from any actual contact and interaction with the real one. That's fine. I don't mind talking to him. But he hides from the real world because he's so bitter and jaded about his friends, about his life, about what he does have, and that's what makes it hard for me to have extended conversations with him. He sees only what he wants to see, and being a stubborn person myself, it's hard for me when people can't even acknowledge my point of view.

And then there's the classic example of holding a grudge. Once a friendship has had that huge argument or fight, there's no fixing it really. Even though I know I should forgive and forget, and I know that I have plenty of blame to share, I just can't get past it really. And that friendship is kinda irreparable, even though we might have been the best of friends to begin with.

Yet, I love my friends. I care about them intensely. If someone were to hurt them, I'd be out for a killing. So why is it that I can't love them unconditionally? Just as there are deal-breakers in relationships, there are little annoyances that get to friendships. The better a friend you are, the better you are at overcoming those pet peeves. But recently, I've hit hills that I can't get over.

Being a good friend is exhausting, and I've hit the point where I don't think I can be that person anymore. I want to be that person so desperately. I can't though. I'm hoping it's just because I need to recharge. But I'm not quite sure how.

And I apologize to those friends who read this and can see themselves in my words. I don't mean to vent or be judgmental. But some of these things have been on my mind, and this is my passive-aggressive way of having that hard talk.