There. I said it.
I hate her. Passionately. Vehemently.
I know I've written about how terrible she was to me already (example 1, example 2, example 3), but I held out hope that she was being mean and unyielding to help me develop a stronger character, to help me become a better student, to help me learn.
Today, I got my evaluation from her. And today, I realized I should not have made any excuses or concessions for her.
Because she is a mean mean mean person.
Granted, the evaluation started off well. She gave me an average score, which was better than what I was expecting from her. And the comments started off pleasantly. "Michelle was a pleasure to work with. She was always enthusiastic and showed great compassion towards her patients. Her patients easily developed trusting relationships with her, and she was a reassuring point person for them. Furthermore, Michelle was always on time, which is always greatly appreciated."
And then the giant BUT came. The BUT that you knew she was leading up to.
"However, Michelle was a bit of a disappointment."
!!!!
It kept going.
"...I was appalled that she didn't know answers to basic questions about physiology or anatomy that were directly related to her patients' cases."
She then put in parentheses, "for example" and then listed all the pimp questions I had ever gotten wrong. It was not a sampling of mistakes I had made, as "for example" would suggest, but rather, the entire smorgasbord of questions I couldn't answer during the month.
Really, Dr. Meanie Bikini? Really??
I was shocked, to say the least.
The kicker on all of this is that there are comments that go "above the line" - these comments ultimately go in our deans' letter that we send with our residency applications. And then there are "below the line" comments that are meant purely for me to see. It is usually here that attendings will write things like, "needs to work on fund of knowledge," or "needs to improve physical exam skills." Stuff like that.
My gen surg attending put ALL of her comments above the line. Every single uncharitable remark that she made was above the line. Every single mean comment to be read openly by residency programs that I'm trying to impress. I am a disappointment. I know nothing. I am a terrible student.
Seriously, what kind of educator writes comments like that to her student?
I set up an appointment to talk to my clerkship director. To beg her to remove those comments as they were damaging to my future career. My clerkship director read over the evaluation, and paused before answering, "I know this seems terrible, but coming from your attending, Michelle - this is actually high praise!" "Not to be rude, but she said I was a disappointment. I don't see how that's high praise," I replied, stoic. "She said you were 'a bit' of a disappointment - not a total disappointment - and trust me, she's said that before about others. I've read many of her prior evaluations, and this is a good evaluation. Especially from her," my clerkship director laughed.
I was unamused. So Dr. Meanie Bikini grades her students on how much they disappoint her. That doesn't mean I'm going to be happy that I only mildly disappointed her.
When I told my roommate about all of this, she was outraged, vowing to kick Dr. Meanie Bikini in the gonads and say, "You know what you did!" All kidding aside, I don't quite know what I'll say to Dr. Meanie Bikini when I do ultimately run into her again in the hospital. All I know is that I worked my butt off for her. And I improved 300% during my month with her. I find it sad that a female surgeon who I'm sure has had to jump through many hoops and break through numerous glass ceilings to get to where she is, is unwilling to recognize when others are trying to do the same thing. There is no need to push me down into the gutter.
Dr. Meanie Bikini - I will remember you forever. I will remember you as the educator I never wish to emulate. I will remember you as the person who pushed me away from pursuing any type of surgical specialty. At the beginning of the rotation, you said you wanted to teach me how to be a doctor. Well, congratulations. You've shown me exactly what I don't want to be.
Here's my evaluation for you, Dr. Meanie Bikini. You were not inspiring. As an educator, you were a disappointment. And I am appalled at your lack of empathy and compassion towards students. You were definitely not a pleasure to work with, and I pity the students who come after me.
