Mouthwash

Yesterday, I got an email telling me I still had evaluations to fill out. Surgery evaluations in particular. Evaluations that had to filled out within 24 hours or I would risk having points taken away. Dun dun dun.

I had been avoiding it. I had actually filled out evals on all of my attendings and residents except for one. Everything was done, except for my eval on Dr. Meanie Bikini. Because while I talk a good game, I'm actually a nice person, and I couldn't imagine actually writing her a scathing eval that told her that she was a terrible terrible person.

I sat in front of my computer for over an hour, as I tried to craft an eval that described how terrible my month was - how terrible she was to me - while keeping it all respectful and professional.

So I started off as she did, praising the things she did well. Like pairing me with a general surgery team who actually seemed to care about my learning, and taught me basic surgical skills when they found out that I was getting absolutely no exposure in Dr. Meanie Bikini's OR. I praised how she actually watched me perform history and physicals - without mentioning the scathing comments she always made afterwards.

Then I threw in my huge "however" - the big "BUT" that you knew was coming. The big BUT that she had put in my evaluation.

That said, while I appreciated how Dr. Meanie Bikini was very dedicated to teaching me "how to become a doctor," I felt that it was impossible to measure up to her expectations. I always felt like I was disappointing her, even though I genuinely was trying very hard, and I did feel as though I improved throughout the month.

I did appreciate that she took time during her surgeries to ask me questions about anatomy and other pertinent key issues about patient care and management. However, I wish she would help the student reach the answer, instead of merely telling the student to "look it up" each time. In fact, I think I learn better when I'm allowed to reason through my answers.

From the first day of the clerkship - when I misspoke during an anatomy question that I clearly knew the answer to - to the very last week, Dr. Meanie Bikini constantly used the word "disappointment" and "unimpressive" and made me feel as though I could do nothing right. No student needs to be told that they are a disappointment, especially from a teacher. I put in a lot of effort to prepare for each case, but I felt consistently belittled without any constructive criticism.

Again, while I appreciate that Dr. Meanie Bikini may simply have been pushing me to become a better medical student, in my opinion she clearly went about this poorly. I truly believe that she could have been a great mentor if she had just realized that positive reinforcement does a lot to model a student's behavior. After all, positive feedback is just as valuable as well-meant criticism.

Overall, I thought it was pretty tame. At least compared to my first draft, it was drastically tame. I read it aloud to my roommate, to the Boy, to my sister, and fiddled around with it until they agreed that it sounded professional, while giving voice to my grievances. And then I hit submit, and wiped my hands of it.

This morning, as I was rounding on my patients, I saw Dr. Meanie Bikini on my floor, talking to a nurse. I had dreamed about this moment. This moment of redemption. Thought of what I would say. What I would do.

Yet, instead of doing all I promised Jean I would do, instead of going up to her and cursing the day she became my attending, I instead ducked into the supply closet and hid behind piles of chucks.

I freaked out. Was she looking for me, ready to dole out more hurt? Did my evaluation get sent to her the moment I hit submit? It was unlikely right? Had she read how I thought she was a terrible mentor? How I thought there wasn't a nice bone in her body?

I had dreamed about this moment, relishing it in my mind. But, instead of pointing at her from across the room and proclaiming "YOU! YOU were the disappointment! YOU are uninspiring! YOU are everything I hope I never become as a doctor!!" I simply hid.

I guess when it comes down to it, I just can't be as cruel as she was.