So much for wanting to change. To become better. To be un-phased by heartbreak, disappointment, and inevitable bad hair days.
Oh, I talk a good game, but trust me. I get phased.
100 posts ago, I wrote about giving up my once upon a time. No more Prince Charmings, I swore. Goodbye Sandra Dee. Hello love cynic. This was the time of my life and I was a hot commodity. Hello, I'm a young twenty-something in Chicago...a young twenty-something training to become a medical doctor, no less. This was no time to search for my elusive lobster, when I could be dating just for the heck of it. Emotions, splotions. I could be your future Sugar momma if you wanted it. If I wanted it.
It's so much easier to say than do. I know. I spent 100 posts trying to convince myself that I could do it. And minus a couple of so-called relapses, I really thought I could. I could become Samantha. I could laugh it off when ex-boyfriends ran away from me. And time would heal all difficult breakups (even the inconclusive spring flings).
To be truthful, I still want someone to love me for who I am. Flaws and all. Yes, there are a lot of them. Oh, 100 posts have shown me just how bright those flaws glare in hindsight. And after 100 posts of trying to get rid of them, I'm just now trying to accept myself completely as is.
After being told so many times about my flaws by various so-called loves, I'm done.
Done.
I just need to find someone who will love me. Will put me first. Someone who can't wait to see me at any time of day or night. Someone who would be perfectly happy - contentedly happy - if it were just me, him, and a couple of Cubs games on a deserted island. Someone who's not afraid of really committing to me. 100%. Because my flaws? Regardless of how huge that number might be, they wouldn't be flaws to him. They're personality, and only occasionally very very very mild annoyances.
That's my list. Gone is the height requirement. The dimples. The Taiwanese heritage. And the musical upbringing.
He just needs to love me. All of me. And that he, whomever he might be, will be my Prince Charming.
After all is said and done, I want him. I need him. I know that there's a chance he might not exist, but damn it, I'm gonna look for him.
I'm done settling and pretending that Mr. Right Now is what I actually want, right now. Right now, tomorrow, and forever, I'm going to want my Prince Charming. Settling is for my 100,000th post. When I'm gray and old and just need to get laid.
I'm done pretending that it doesn't hurt like the dickens when I'm so easily cast aside for others. I'm done pretending about not caring. I'm done being insincere. I'm done using cynicism to hide my insecurities.
I will wish on satellites, impractical as it may be.
But that's me. I'm impractical and idealistic and a hopeless romantic. I hate asking for help because I'm insecure and I want you to love me. And if you don't, well... 100 posts ago I would have said oh well, your loss, next!! But now I'm completely able to tell you that even if you don't love me - which hurts, no lies - I am convinced I will find someone who does. And oh won't you be sorry.
Oh yeah. I'm vindictive too.
The song starts with "black and blue, I found my way." I've been battered and tossed around in this game called love. I am more damaged than so many people I know. But it has to say something about my spirit, my tenacity, and perhaps, my stupidity, that I'm still willing to go out there and get completely whacked over the head by love. I will find my way.
I'm just starting to accept myself. Flaws and all. Love me anyways. And if you do, please remind me every once in a while.
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All in all I fare the same wishing on an aeroplane as it's calling stars by name. A lonely song of freedom rings in hope of someone listening, and so I send my feeble flare through the silent arctic air, heading anywhere until at last I've finally found a place to lay my anchor down. Satellite, save my life - I'm wishing on a two-way radio. Love might be just like me - jaded, waiting, all alone, a whisper on a two-way radio. You never know never never. Heaven help me - I'm drowning and I can't save me. Send some salvation to keep me alive...
