Over the past couple of weeks, I've come to the realization that I'm 99.9% positive that I'm not going into pediatrics.So today, I finally decided to tell my pediatrics advisor.
And after I agonized for two hours over what to say in my email, going into extreme detail of how I thought she was a fantastic role model, a great educator, and a fabulous mentor, I came to the realization that I was breaking up with her.
I was writing an "it's me, not you" email.
It was kinda awkward trying to find the right tone, the right thing to say, as I tried to tell her - who is also coincidentally my clerkship director (aka the person who determines my pediatrics grade) - that while I had completely enjoyed my pediatrics rotation, I hadn't fallen in love. I liked it. I didn't love it.
And I didn't know how to tell her that I had found something new. The emotions I felt on ob/gyn were the emotions I was expecting to feel for peds. For peds, I slept on the 6am shuttle ride, because it was so hard for me to wake up at 5am. For ob/gyn, I would wake up before my 4:30am alarm even went off - that's how much raw happiness and excitement I felt going to labor and deliver some patients. I didn't know how to tell her that I'd much rather read about preeclampsia ad nauseum than RSV bronchitis.
I didn't know how to tell her that while I had thought I would always be a pediatrician, that future no longer made me excited. It was now more of a backup, a safe choice. After all, it's a three year residency, far more respectable than psychiatry, and family friendly. But something changed. I changed. And I just can't see myself in general pediatrics any more. I want more excitement in my life than just ear infections and asthma.
So I did my usual word vomit in an email thing. Told her I thought she was great. In fact, I told her she was the reason why I continued to consider pediatrics for far longer than I probably should have. I mean honestly, I probably could have told you in late January that peds just wasn't for me. Yet, seeing how much she loved her job, how great she was with her patients, and how wonderful she was at teaching the med students, made me wonder if I could have that future too. She was my future personified.
But the past couple of weeks have made me realize that she is great at her job, great with her patients, and great at teaching, because she LOVES pediatrics. And that's not me. I love kids, but I don't love pediatrics.
I hope we can still be friends.
