There's a scene from Friends where Rachel and Phoebe are talking about Monica and Chandler getting married. And Rachel says that she's super duper happy for them. And Phoebe readily agrees. And they smile silently for about 30 seconds. And then Rachel interjects that she's like 99% happy and only 1% jealous. And Phoebe agrees. And they smile and nod to themselves. And then Phoebe notes that it might be more like 90% happy and 10% jealous. And then Rachel goes ahead and says it's more like 70-30, but who's counting? And then the audience laughs.
Because we know that Rachel and Phoebe love Monica and Chandler. And they're jealous, but only because they want what Monica and Chandler have.
If I were being honest, I'd admit that I'd been dreading this year's Match Day. Because on that Match Day, I was going to find out just exactly how far away Martin would be moving away from me.
I knew he would go somewhere in his top 5. Top 3 even. I knew that he wouldn't be relegated to his sixth choice. Which just so happens to be here in Chicago. With me.
No, he's going to USC. Which is a fantastic place and a fantastic program. He's going to the land of sunshine and happiness. And he's super excited.
I should be super excited for Martin. After all, he's getting a new car. Looking for a new apartment. Furnishing that new apartment with grown-up furniture. Making new facebook friends who are surely soon to be neurosurgery best buddies. Going on a last hurrah through Spain before he's [laproscopically] elbow-deep in brains.
He's moving on to a new chapter in his life, and those pages are yearning for adventure.
Like I said, I should be super excited for Martin. And 99.9% of me is excited for him. But the little 0.1% that eats at me and makes me feel like I'm a terrible girlfriend, is that he's doing it all without me. (Or 90-10. Or 70-30. Depending on the day. And whether I'm feeling more like Rachel or Phoebe. But I digress.)
With every day that he mentions more new things he wants to do, more new things he plans on doing independently, the more I feel as though I'm slowly being phased out of his life. I am a part of that last chapter in his life. The chapter that's ending in T-45 days.
I don't know why I'm feeling this way. When J and Lisa graduated last year, I was nostalgic, sure - but mainly excited for what their new life entailed. I should be feeling the exact same way for Martin, right?
I guess I'm scared of the unknown. Our relationship is perfect right now, and moving half a continent away from each other is a huge giant change. Me, I'm resistant to change. After all, when things are perfect, why screw it up?
But things have to change. He's moving, whether I like it or not. I just need to suck it up and do really well on everything I've got left so that I have a shot at following him to this mythical place of sunshine and happiness and everything nice. I just have to have faith that this change isn't going to do anything but make our relationship better.
I just can't help feeling like I'm stalled on the side of the road. And he's flying by in the fast lane, with his fancy new car, starting his fancy new job, with his fancy new job title: neurosurgery resident. And all I want is to be sitting next to him in his fancy new car, starting my very own fancy new job, with my own fancy new job title: ob/gyn/psych/peds resident.
I wish I were inked already somehow into his fancy new life chapter. After all, I'm a girl who likes plans. Specifically, being a part of plans. Because plans make a girl feel special. Plans make a girl feel wanted.
3 years ago
