Better off alone

There are some days when even I can't believe how amazingly awkward I can be.

(That's not a good thing.)

Being a second year med student sucks. The constant studying and no playing makes for a terrible schedule. And now that we're about three months in without a proper vacation, people are starting to burn out a little. Despair a little. Worry a lot.

One of my classmates wrote a blog about what she was feeling. Wrote about how she was feeling a little homesick. And a little bit sick of some of her self-centered classmates. But that at the end of the day, she had fabulous friends who could get her through anything.

I read her note and empathized. And I wanted to reach through my computer and give her a giant hug and let her know that she's not alone in feeling what she's feeling. Yeah, some of our classmates are a little full of it. Yeah, I'm feeling homesick too, wishing for my mommy's cooking and my dad's god-awful karaoke. But we're all gonna get through it. And if I could be of some comfort, I wanted to let her know that I would be there for her. If she needed me for anything.

That's what I wanted to say to her.

I guess I forgot that you never address the blogging world in the real world.

The next morning in class, I yelled out her name when I saw her walking to her seat. Jeanie! Jeanie! She turned awkwardly to look at me. After all, we might be on a first name basis, but we don't necessarily talk to each other. Much less about our dreams and fears.

Yeah?

Oh, so um, I read your blog post!

...oh, um...

Yeah, and uh, I just wanted to say that...your friends are great! And I'm glad someone brought you chicken soup when you were sick because you deserve that kind of kindness...

....oh. Um. Yeah. Thanks?

At this point, my inner voice was telling me to retreat. Yelling at me to wrap it up. I mean, seriously Michelle. This conversation is awkward. Stop prolonging the awkwardness!

But I ignored it and just kept going.

Jeanie had turned around by now. And for the life of me, I don't know why I did what I did, but instead of being a normal person and dropping the subject once and for all, I instead called out her name again.

Jeanie!

She turned reluctantly to face me.

Um, you know what's funny though? When you said that 24 was just around the corner, I thought you were talking about the show! You know, the one with Kiefer Sutherland? Man, that show is awesome.

She kinda smiled and laughed politely. Yeah, no...I was talking about my birthday.

Yeah, I know... I tried to reply. But she was done with this conversation, and rightly so, because who wants to prolong a date with Awkwardness? So she had turned back around and was readying herself to take lecture notes like a good student.

I had good intentions. And all I wanted was to convey positivity and friendliness, but instead I just came off as some strange girl who stalks her blog. I came off looking possibly like a girl who is severely socially stunted. Good one, Michelle. I don't understand why I couldn't just STOP TALKING. It was just word vomit. I knew I should have stopped, but it was like a car wreck. Everything slowed down, and while I could physically see the awkwardness happening, even if I reached out my hands, I couldn't stop it from happening - I couldn't stop the words from coming out of my mouth.

I cannot wait for Thanksgiving. Hopefully I'll talk to some people and figure out how to be normal again.